I think it's nice to see that a vehicle's country of origin still allows a little of the local colour to seep through. You'd never mistake a WRX for anything but a Japanese car, for example.
My wife's Jeep Cherokee, being American, comes with plenty of features that mark it out as being an American product. In league with many fine American products, most of the components seem to be made in Mexico. Also, the brake pedal is interconnected with the automatic gear selector, so you can't disengage "park" unless you're standing on the brakes (attempting to avoid "unintended acceleration" lawsuits I suppose). Don't ask me how I found out that the car had that feature; perhaps I'm a poor driver or maybe I read it in the manual. The Jeep has another fantastic American feature that sounds an incredibly annoying warning buzzer if you open the door with the key in the ignition. The buzzer seems to have been carefully designed to wake sleeping children, but serves no other purpose that I can think of. If it's there to warn you that your door is open while you're driving, I can think of a couple of other, inherent warnings that are pretty obvious. Especially when it rains.
The best American feature of the Jeep are the warning stickers. They are everywhere, from the glovebox to the inside of the doors, under the bonnet and even on the sun visor. They say all sorts of pithy things, like "Don't put your hand in the moving fan", "The exhaust system may be hot" and "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day". You simply don't see this stuff on cars from countries with sane legal systems. One in particular intrigues me. I won't reproduce in full detail, but I will relate the broad outline.
On the driver's sun visor, there is an orange, removeable sticker explaining that the Cherokee is a "utility" vehicle that (surprise, surprise) doesn't handle quite the same way as a normal car. As if the tall, chunky tyres and 2 foot ground clearance doesn't give that away. Seriously, would you expect, as a reasonable person, to be able to drive an off-road four wheel drive vehicle in the same way as a normal sedan? I have a feeling the (awful) original tyres had built-in squeal points way below their normal grip level just to scare you into backing off. Don't get me wrong now, for a tall vehicle with truck tyres, a Cherokee is actually a reasonable drive (if a little noisy and cramped in the back), but do you actually need to be warned?
It got me thinking. There are plenty of cars that require warning stickers but just don't have them. Here are a few that I think need serious consideration.
The BMW 318i
"Please note: This vehicle is equipped with the most pathetic engine ever installed in a vehicle professing to be an "Ultimate Driving Machine" (tm). An inability to overtake Niki 650's is completely normal and should not be reported to the dealer. Just relax and look out the window; you will get there eventually."
The Ford Probe
"Note that in spite of the name and smooth contours of this vehicle, please to not attempt to insert it into your own or another's bodily orifice."
The Ford Falcon AU
"Ford Australia is an Equal Opportunity Employer, and as such have many blind people working in our styling and marketing departments. While the outside of your new Ford Falcon might be visually challenged, please take the time to run your hands over the contours and note that despite its repulsive looks, it's the nicest feeling new car available."
The Hyundai Excel
"In the pursuit of more driver involvement, your Hyundai Excel requires some assembly before use. Please arrange to borrow your dealer's welding equipment before attempting to drive your new vehicle on the road."
The Subaru Impreza hatch
"Unfortunately, Subaru has achieved impressive sales following the re-release of "Wayne's World" on video cassette. Please note that the Impreza is not actually an AMC Gremlin. Please do not contact your dealer about obtaining copies of Bohemian Rhapsody."
The Subaru Impreza WRX
"Subaru has achieved impressive rates of theft with the desirable WRX Impreza. To avoid being shot by police, please refrain from winding the driver's seat back, or wearing a baseball cap backwards in this vehicle."
The Saab 9-3
"Please repeat after me. The key is between the seats. The key is between the seats. The key is between the seats. The key is between the seats. No, we don't know why either, any more."
The Holden (Chevy) Suburban
"A map for the interior of this vehicle has been thoughtfully placed in the glovebox. The glovebox is located directly in front of the front passenger seat. Please contact your dealer if you have problems finding the front passenger seat."
The Holden HSV XU-8
"Oi pal, prick up ya ears and listen for a sec. While ya shmick new Haitch Ess Vee is a bonza donut machine, ya naybors are complainin'. Ya hafta restrain yaself a bit, orrrrright?? And yeah, ya should've waited for the Chevy motah, ya bozo."
The Mercedes A-Class
"It has come to the attention of Daimler-Chrysler that some A-Class owners are replacing their Mercedes badges with those from the "Fisher-Price" toy company. Daimler-Chrysler warns that your warranty may be void if you increase the perception that your A-Class' styling was copied from any child's toy, pending litigation from Fisher-Price."
The Mercedes CLK
"Your superb new Daimler-Chrysler Mercedes, being worth more than most plebians' houses, will attract a certain amount of attention from the jealous under-achievers which make up 99 per cent of the population of your squalid little country. Please try to ignore being cut-off and spat at."
I was also going to make a warning sticker for myself for my Alfetta:
"Please note: This car came pre-rusted from the factory and may exhibit new rust blemishes up to 30 years after delivery or until the entire car turns into some shiny aluminium drivetrain pieces and a brown pile of ferrous oxide. This process is a feature of cheap Eastern European steel and should not be reported to Alfa Romeo Australia. Please refrain from parking your vehicle anywhere near a new Alfa dealership, because in no way do Alfa Romeo Australia seek to be associated with your grotty old car or the grubby-handed old parts network that kept your abomination alive...."
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